First DE appointment tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day that we have our first DE appointment with the DE coordinator at the hospital.  Emotions that I'm experiencing range from nervousness to excitement to fear.  But, through it all, I will have "The One" by my side, with his hand in mine, and we will experience this together.  Tonight, the USPS delivered a box with the book that I ordered from Amazon.com:  Having Your Baby Through Donor Eggs.  I'll be up all night pouring through it, highlighting the important areas as if I'm studying for a test. 

Found out yesterday that this constant lower left abdominal pain that I've been having is the result of two ovarian cysts--likely leftovers from the Clomid challenge. Ugh-no fun.  So grateful for the fabulous treatment that I received from the NP at the hospital.  It is amazing how important "bedside manner" is, particularly to a woman in a seriously fragile state.  The NP was so nice, and considerate of my feelings.  She actually rubbed my knee and said, "Are you ready dear" before inserting the vaginal wand.  And she said, with all seriousness, that it wasn't fair that I was 38 and had DOR.  Just her simple recognition of that fact made me feel so much better.  Thank god for NPs.  

 

Why I need to find eggs

My story is simple.  I was married once, had a beautiful baby girl, and my husband left us shortly after she was born. He wasn't ready (mentally or emotionally) for a family.  So, I became a single mom, and felt so blessed to have been given an absolutely beautiful and smart baby to raise as my own.

Fast forward five years later, and after a few miserable dates, I finally meet "the One." Although I always dreamed I'd find him, I never thought I would. I was 36 when we met, and he was 40. After a whirlwind romance, we got married nearly one year to the day we first met in person (yes, we are an eHarmony success story).  He is wonderful in every way possible-- he loves me, he loves my daughter, he puts up with the craziness of my life, and always has a smile, and a hug, to solve any problem.  I feel as though I'm living in Camelot, where nothing can go wrong and all is perfect with the world (have you ever seen the play?) 

So now that we have love in our lives forever, we want to add a baby.  After our wedding, we immediately stop the pill and hoped that in no time we'd be pregnant. 

But, after nearly one year of marriage, no baby.  So I sent "the One" to the hospital to have his sperm checked, believing that the "problem" had to be him since I previously had a baby.  Little did I know that doing this would result in a referral to the [insert gasp here!] the "infertility clinic" at my local hospital.  While "the One" was only required to produce a specimen in a cup, I underwent a ton of tests, all of which have led to a diagnosis of DOR--diminished ovarian reserve.

In short, my first FSH level was 9.6; during the Clomid Challenge, my day 3 level was 4.6 and my day 10 was 19.8. I also had an AMH level of .16 (barely negligible)--a test I required that they repeat since I was certain it had to be wrong. Doctors put the likelihood of me getting pregnant with my eggs at 1%. Devastation ensued -- days and nights of tears and the inevitable "why me."  But through that devastation developed a desperation to at least try to stimulate my ovaries with a daily dose of 4 amps of Menopur. 

Doctor agrees to stimulate with the Menopur, saying that I will need to fail to get pregnant on my own before I allow myself to accept the inevitability that I will need donor eggs to get pregnant or that we will need to adopt. To which, I respond, whatever, dude, I can do this. I can will my ovaries to work. I'm sure of it. Screw you and your 1% prognosis. Here is my $1500--give me the Menopur now. 

We take the injections class, and I'm waiting to start my period when my husband pulls me aside to say that he doesn't want me to do to the injections for several reasons. First, he doesn't want to see me go bat-shit crazy on 4 amps of Menopur for 7 days. He thinks it will be too hard on my body, considering all the risks that that dosage has. Second, he sees that the likelihood is still only 1%, and that it isn't good odds. Third, he is worried that I will be too hard on myself if it doesn't work, and given how I reacted to the DOR news (i.e., in bed crying for days), I can understand that he doesn't want to see me in pain over something that I can't control.

He then says we need to consider DE. I was shocked, since he was initially against it when the doctor first mentioned it. So, we begin the discussion--should we do DE or adopt?  We have concerns about adoption (Is the mother taking proper care of herself during pregnancy? What if she changes her mind? Getting a call at 3:00 a.m. saying pick up your new baby and how our daughter won't have time to adjust, etc.)  DE is beginning to make a lot more sense.  We can be assured that the baby will be taken care of in utero, and it will give our daughter time to get to know the baby long before he/she/they?? arrive. And, even though the baby won't be mine genetically speaking, I will have gotten to know that baby before anyone by being pregnant--I remember being pregnant with my daughter, and feeling her hiccups, and remembering her reaction to my grande burrito (feisty kicks), and her calmness when I took a bath, and when she violently kicked when I was watching "THE RING" movie in the theaters, being scared out of my mind. I knew her before she came, and she was mine.

But even though I've accepted that this our best option, it is still super scary. How do we pick a DE? Who do we tell, if anyone? How long is the process? What happens????? 

I decided to start this blog as a way to memorialize this experience--explain how to feels to go down this new "rabbit hole" adventure as I try to find eggs in my "Camelot."  That way, hopefully, years from now when I need to explain it, I will have a good place to start.